She went from zero to smokin in five shots
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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