1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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