sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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