I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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