I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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