The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
