I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
