it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
