The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
