I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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