Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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