apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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