Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
