i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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