The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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