Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
