i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
