Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
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They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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