I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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