this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
