I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
