It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
