Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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