she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
