I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
