I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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