Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
