Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Randomize
