At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
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I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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