She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
