He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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