i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
