at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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