Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
