I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
