I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
