And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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