Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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