After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
