Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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