I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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