my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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