Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
