I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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