Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
