I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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