I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
