You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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