We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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