He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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