I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
