Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
