I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
