conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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